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Crushed - Part 4 by Proximity Rating - Current NC17 - for language and sexuality. Small Angst.
Author's Note - small lips narrow hips, I was a poet and I didn't know it.
He was annoyed. Working as an Onmyouji always reminded him of the Sakurazukamori, Seishirou, the man he had loved, who had killed his sister, whom he had killed. The other Onmyouji was his opposite; while Subaru represented purity, life and light, the Sakurazukamori represented taint, death and darkness. Dealing with the yin/yang magic of an Onmyouji, even working in the light as he did today, required at least an awareness of his equal, of the balance that yin/yang implied, of all that was dark; and this meant an awareness of Sakurazuka Seishirou as the representation, indeed the personification of death. Death was a condition of life, Subaru knew this better than anyone. It was impossible to deal with one without acknowledging the presence of the other, and as he was both Sumeragi and Sakurazukamori, this dual presence was even more pressing for Subaru. He was annoyed that the older man had again intruded on his consciousness where he was no longer wanted. Ever since Seishirou's death he had filled this double role. Though it may seem that he had conflicting interests in his work, he found that by accepting a position of neutrality in his magic, an awareness of balance, he was able to work in both purification and taint. When he served as Sumeragi, he dealt with that part of his magic, and that part of his personality, and his being. When he acted as Sakurazukamori he fed the Sakura tree its blood with few regrets. It was as necessary, he realized, as his other occupation. It was mere coincidence, he reminded himself, that he served to enact both roles. Coincidence or a final sick twist of Seishirou's mind when he orchestrated that he should die by Subaru's hand. Subaru quickly pulled his thoughts away from the previous Sakurazukamori. It did not do to dwell in the past and forget to live in the present. This was his new resolution: he would live on past Seishirou's death, he would live for himself now. It didn't work to live your life for someone else. The man he had loved was, now after his death, completely lost to Subaru. Though, he had to admit to himself, Seishirou had been lost to him ever since Subaru had not managed to be of any more consequence to the older man than a glass. A cup he could save and admire, or drop and break. And break Subaru he had. But not forever, a small voice at the back of Subaru's mind acknowledged, and before he could even analyze the thought, before he could banish it from his mind, he heard its truth, and it made its mark upon him. He was broken still, but it did not need to be that way forever. If he could live for himself and in the present, if he could end his long-standing loneliness by letting another into his life, then he could again find happiness. He saw the truth of this even as he struggled to reject it. And he knew with whom he wanted to end his loneliness. Kamui ... he permitted himself to think the name as he removed his remaining undergarments and stepped into the shower. And turning on the water hot, he began to wash away the cares of the day .. As he thought on the boy he realized that his feelings ran deeper than the mere desire to forge a friendship ... he realized he wanted more from the other Seal, he wanted something more like ... a relationship. The thought scared him and he tried to change it into something that he could at least recognize, something less frightening, something that felt more possible. Almost smirking at his own deranged mind, he told himself that what he wanted was something more like sex. He was almost surprised at his own brashness but he realized that thoughts like this probably came with his title of Sakurazukamori. (Well they certainly didn't come from being the Sumeragi, he knew that at least.) He never acknowledged that the thought could simply have come from within himself. And as this feeling, as well as the title of Sakurazukamori was new to him, he didn't overly question his combination of the two unknowns. He knew it had been a long time since he had wanted someone in particular sexually, but instead of questioning why Kamui, why now, he did what his body (and though he did not accept it, his heart) told him to do, and grasped his growing arousal, which had arisen along with the swelling of his heart. Touching himself, unlike the average man his age, was a rare event for Subaru. And when he had thoughts during this activity, they were tinged with the sadness that thoughts of Seishirou always brought. Sadness, and an anger at himself for falling victim to the older man's whims. He knew it would have pleased Seishirou to know that Subaru jerked off to thoughts of him. But this time was different, he reveled in thoughts of Kamui, of the younger man's pleasing features, his purple eyes, his small lips, his narrow hips. The body that was surprisingly masculine despite the girly features the boy possessed. Subaru began to stroke himself gently. As was customary with Subaru his sexual thoughts turned towards pleasing his partner, not himself. He imagined what it would be like to go down on the boy ... lying between the finely shaped thighs, head buried in his lap. Kamui was certainly a virgin, he thought to himself; it would be his first sexual experience, Subaru decided, and he reveled in the boy's imagined reactions to a tongue cleverly wrapping itself around his cock, wetting it, sucking it ever so slightly further into a warm mouth. Subaru's mouth. He imagined briefly what it would feel like to him, how the boy would taste ... an inexplicable flavor, despite all the many attempts at comparisons. He quickened his pace on his own erection. He imagined curling fingers around the base of the boy's erection, dually providing further stimulation and preventing, with the weight of his forearm, any movement of the delicately shaped hips. He could almost feel the warmth of it all, the heat of his imagined actions blending with the steam of the shower. He imagined the hair that he would feel at the base of his fingers, where Kamui's penis encountered the rest of his body, and the warm sac beneath. Subaru saw himself pulling up and wetting his lips before descending again, bowing his head to move his lips in conjunction with his tongue, in a gentle massage around the underside of the cock inside his mouth, just above his fingers encircling its base. He imagined again drawing back up, but not letting his mouth leave the point of his attention, choosing this time instead to pay extra attention to the frenulum, flicking his tongue against this sensitive area, rubbing from side to side, up and down, in a circular motion, ever varying, until Kamui was crying out, or moaning, or even mute with ecstasy. He pictured himself then drawing the boy's shaft further into his mouth, into his throat, as he removed his fingers to Kamui's balls to make room for him to swallow the penis entirely. He would, he imagined, rub the seam on the underside of the cock with his tongue and lower lip, in a practiced motion. He would alternate lips and tongue until he felt the boy begin to jerk with the beginning of the waves of orgasm. (Kamui's first? Certainly not.) And then massage the base of the shaft, swirling his tongue around it as the boy, gasping in pleasure, came into the depths of his throat. He would have felt the rising ejaculation coming from the balls he held delicately, touching them lightly, as he was sure the boy wouldn't be able to take any roughness from his hands. He wanted only for Kamui to feel the upmost pleasure from him, only that would satisfy Subaru. He closed his eyes as his pace increased on his own erection, pulling roughly on his cock, he tried to grasp the quickly fading sweetness of his fantasy. Imagined the way Kamui's hands would alternate between grasping at Subaru's head and at the sheets, or at the air, as if trying to grab hold of his orgasm itself. Imagined the tremors he would feel from the soft thighs and pointed knees below him, saw all the boy's perfections from toe to tousled hair. Subaru felt the tide of orgasm rising within himself, and pumped his hand faster passing the point of no return, and as he felt its waves crest over him, he leaned his other hand against the wet slippery tile of the shower wall, steadying himself through the light highness of climax. How well this act united his two frames of mind, the yin and the yang of things, he felt the pain of indulgence rise within him as the post-orgasmic weakness took him. He let the hot water dance across his naked back, sliding down his legs and into the drain at his feet mingling with the milky white stickiness of his own ejaculate. |